I wanted to suggest here a few ideas on dealing with and overcoming minor or not-so-minor disappointments or setbacks, or when things don’t go the way you planned. These are nudges to ‘point us in the right direction’ – using realistic positivity – when we feel that we’re not handling such situations as well as we might; when they affect us disproportionately, and get us down for longer, or more often, than they should.
I’ll let you determine what you deem to be a low level or high-level disappointment or setback, and where you think that finding a way to look on the plus-side would be helpful.
Realistic positivity will be useful in the short-term, to help us deal with current difficulties, and in the longer term we’re likely to become more resilient and less prone to the double-whammy of dealing badly with adversity.
NB This is not about being delusional or avoidant, or in denial or dismissive of the negative impact adversity can have on us. Rather, we’re making sure that when and where we can, we’ll look at things in a realistic and rational way, with a view of the bigger picture, and from more than one angle.
We’re acknowledging too that there are major life events where seeking the positive is inappropriate and counter-productive. You may well have heard of what’s known as toxic positivity – with a rule of ‘Positive Vibes only ‘ – where we’re encouraged to deny, minimise or invalidate necessary, genuine emotions, unpleasant ones associated with sadness or grief or sorrow for example. Doing so is most unhelpful during the difficult times. We’ve evolved to feel, to experience these, and they all serve a useful purpose of course.
What we’re covering here is how we might be able to pull something positive, however small it might be, from a bad situation. That way, the ‘loss’ is mitigated, and something beneficial has emerged from the ‘wreckage’. We might even feel better about ourselves and/or our world – and perhaps learned something useful – as a result.
Let’s look at some nudges towards realistic positivity that we might try in the circumstances described earlier, from everyday disappointments to the more challenging setbacks:
💡Ask “If I were being optimistic – even if I don’t feel that way – hypothetically, what possible positives are there/could there be in this for me or for others?”
💡Ask “How might things be/have been worse for me/for others?” (As a result we might not feel quite so bad about our situation)
💡If you find that you’re saying to yourself ‘Why me?’, switch it around to ‘Why not me?’ Feeling sorry for ourselves sometimes is natural and understandable, giving ourselves a chance to ‘lick our wounds’, before moving on, without it becoming self-pity. When we’re ready, we’re then in a better position to acknowledge that “It isn’t just me, it’s life” “Others have gone/are going/will go through very similar situations” “I’m one amongst millions who’ve experienced the same or a similar disappointment/setback”
💡Ask “Is it possible that others are in a worse, more difficult, position than me?” This can help us to be objective, to put things in context, and give us a broader view. By comparison, things might not be quite as bad as we’d first thought.
Just a few suggestions to try out here – whether directly or indirectly, applying one or more of these nudges is likely to provide us with a realistically positive perspective.
If you enjoyed this post, you might like to take a look at my blogpage, where you’ll find lots more tips and techniques for promoting our resilience, and making the most of ourselves.
For more information on the sort of work that I’m involved in, here’s my profile on the Life Coach Directory.